A reader on my Facebook page asked about her divorce 20 years ago.
He was convinced that she was complaining about him and blaming him, even though she wasn’t. Then he complained about her to everyone they knew. Because she wanted to be respectful, she didn’t blame back, yet she still felt bad. She wants to know how she could have handled this better. There are actually two things to talk about in this situation.
Projection
He was probably blaming and complaining about her all along. His steadfast belief that she was complaining about him indicates the presence of a projection. Since he couldn’t be with his own criticalness, he did exactly what he was so worried she was doing. This is how projection works–you can’t see it in yourself and so you project the qualities that you don’t want onto other people.
During a breakup it is very easy to be in projection. You can tell if you are in projection if you are absolutely sure that you could not possess the horrible qualities that belong to your ex-partner. Think about the worse thing your partner is…
Think about the worst name you call your ex-partner. Is he a cheater? Is she a liar or a whore? Is he an energy sucker or jerk? What’s the name you call him? What’s the most distasteful quality she has? When you’ve identified a quality or two (or more), then you have found your projection!
Taking back your projections frees you!
Projecting is a defense mechanism. We don’t want to feel something or see something, so we project those qualities onto others… usually an ex-partner. However, projecting only binds us. If you are able to take back your projections, you will free yourself from the emotional bondage you feel.
To take back your projections, you must be able to say, “I am that!” So, if you don’t want to be a cheater… that’s right, you have to look at a time in your life that you have cheated or a time that you could cheat and say, “I am a cheater.”
This can be difficult when we want to blame. We get comfort in pointing fingers, but in the long run it only binds us to the past.
How could she have handled this better?
When you can release the energy around whatever is being said about you, then you will not feel so bad. If you can be with the qualities that someone is projecting onto you, then you will not feel bad. If your spouse cheated on you and is telling everyone else that it’s all your fault because you’re a bitch…then if you can be with the quality of being a bitch it won’t matter what he says about you. Names will not affect you… If you understand projection, you will not worry about what others think of you. The concern for what other people think is what causes the pain, not what they say!
The only thing you could have done better in this situation is to love yourself more! And it’s not too late for that.
Spiritual Divorce(tm)
A coach, like myself, trained in The Spiritual Divorce(tm) process developed by Debbie Ford will guide you through powerful concepts like projection so that you can free yourself from the bondage of this pain and use your divorce as a catalyst for creating a life you love.
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