A reader on my Facebook page asked about her divorce 20 years ago.

He was convinced that she was complaining about him and blaming him, even though she wasn’t.  Then he complained about her to everyone they knew.  Because she wanted to be respectful, she didn’t blame back, yet she still felt bad.  She wants to know how she could have handled this better. There are actually two things to talk about in this situation.

Projection

He was probably blaming and complaining about her all along.  His steadfast belief that she was complaining about him indicates the presence of a projection.   Since he couldn’t be with his own criticalness, he did exactly what he was so worried she was doing.  This is how projection works–you can’t see it in yourself and so you project the qualities that you don’t want onto other people.

During a breakup it is very easy to be in projection.  You can tell if you are in projection if you are absolutely sure that you could not possess the horrible qualities that belong to your ex-partner.  Think about the worse thing your partner is…

Think about the worst name you call your ex-partner.  Is he a cheater?  Is she a liar or a whore?  Is he an energy sucker or jerk?  What’s the name you call him?  What’s the most distasteful quality she has?  When you’ve identified a quality or two (or more), then you have found your projection!

Taking back your projections frees you!

Projecting is a defense mechanism.  We don’t want to feel something or see something, so we project those qualities onto others… usually an ex-partner.  However, projecting only binds us.  If you are able to take back your projections, you will free yourself from the emotional bondage you feel.

To take back your projections, you must be able to say, “I am that!”  So, if you don’t want to be a cheater… that’s right, you have to look at a time in your life that you have cheated or a time that you could cheat and say, “I am a cheater.”

This can be difficult when we want to blame.  We get comfort in pointing fingers, but in the long run it only binds us to the past.

How could she have handled this better?

When you can release the energy around whatever is being said about you, then you will not feel so bad.  If you can be with the qualities that someone is projecting onto you, then you will not feel bad.  If your spouse cheated on you and is telling everyone else that it’s all your fault because you’re a bitch…then if you can be with the quality of being a bitch it won’t matter what he says about you.  Names will not affect you…  If you understand projection, you will not worry about what others think of you. The concern for what other people think is what causes the pain, not what they say!

The only thing you could have done better in this situation is to love yourself more!  And it’s not too late for that.

Spiritual Divorce(tm)

A coach, like myself, trained in The Spiritual Divorce(tm) process developed by Debbie Ford will guide you through powerful concepts like projection so that you can free yourself from the bondage of this pain and use your divorce as a catalyst for creating a life you love.

When you got married, you thought it would be forever!

Even if you didn’t plan the details of your future together, you probably had a sense of what your life would be like.  Even if you knew that there would be ups and downs and good and bad, you probably didn’t include a divorce and a broken heart in your plans.  It’s more likely that you were confident that you would be the couple that beat the odds and stayed together forever.  Isn’t that what you promise to do in the typical wedding ceremony?

Divorce is a painful experience even if your heart isn’t broken.

A broken heart brings an entire set of feelings and actions that can leave you feeling vulnerable and exposed.  You must invite in your conscious awareness in order to leave your marriage with your dignity intact.

While you may have reason to be hurt and angry, your desire to be right can strip you of your dignity.  It is normal to blame and point fingers, but this will only keep you stuck in the pain.  So, with a broken heart to heal, how do you divorce with dignity?

Get support!

If you are fortunate, you will have a supportive family and friends that do not fuel the anger and resentment that you may be feeling.  Remember that your righteous feelings are a defense mechanism to protect you from the pain, but it cannot protect you!  The pain will only be compounded by bitterness and resentment.

The concepts taught in Spiritual Divorce(tm) have the power to heal your heart while keeping your dignity intact.  As you move through the spiritual laws of divorce, you will find yourself using your pain to powerfully heal your heart.

While going through a divore, emotions can carry you away and you may find that you are doing and saying things that you never thought you would or could.  This is where you must come back to yourself, know who you are, and take actions that are in alignment with who you know yourself to be.  This is not the ‘high road,’ this is much bigger than that.

When you are living true to who you want to be regardless of what’s happening around you, then you will retain your dignity.  Get the support you need so that you can walk away knowing that you were an authentic expression of yourself, even as you sit with a broken heart.